I think I broke myself...oops...
Er, yeah...I kinda have three holes in my lower abdomen where stitches ought to be but have somehow been removed whilst I was in the shower earlier. Not entirely sure if that is a good thing or not so have whacked a bandage on and kinda hoping it'll all be ok in the morning.
On the plus side, I am about to take the very last antibiotic which is nice seeing as they are the size of small countries and make me feel like crap - I was reading the little advice leaflet you get with medicines (y'know - the ones that NO ONE reads and then promptly overdose by mistake) and apparently these drugs are used to treat meningitis. Wow, I thought, these must be awesome pills! Well, yeah....but nowhere does it mention it will treat my actual infection which, I hasten to add, is not meningitis, encephalitis or any other itis mentioned on the leaflet. Perhaps that's why I have acquired three holes where before there were no holes...*gasp!* maybe I've melted on the inside and everything is going to pour out any minute now?! Maybe when they stuck their Black and Decker multi-tools inside my body (or whatever the hell surgeons use as instruments) they used me for some weird scientific experiment and chucked in some aliens to mess with my system? Or maybe, just maybe, I am getting hysterical...but that is so unlikely it's almost laughable, right? Right...
Anywho, I'm going to give it the weekend and then if I'm still all hole-y by Monday I'll go down the doctor and waste everyone's time by pretending to be dying. It's fun and above all it is free as I don't have to pay for my prescriptions. Maybe I'll develop some interesting new symptoms too after some intensive research on the internet tonight, seeing as I have to stay up until 1am to go with my neighbour to pick someone up. It's amazing what a bit of internet research can do to fill your head with absolute nonsense - we are definitely a nation of hypochondriacs and self-diagnosers. Y'know, my doctor now asks me what I think ought to be done about my illness or condition. Apparently it is because of all this research patients do now - it means that doctors can no longer get away with prescribing the cheapest course of treatment to save time and money because their patients are far more savvy than ever before. Thing is, when someone with over 8 years of medical training asks me what I think they ought to do to treat me, it throws me off completely. I don't even know basic first aid, for goodness sake! If someone were to drop in front of me, my first course of action will be to scream very loudly and then flap my arms like a deranged chicken until someone else arrives to fix it. Give me the cheap, time-saving option any day of the week, thank you. Don't ask me to make medical decisions based on Casualty and House...you might as well ask me to run the marathon while you're at it (for those who don't know, I have an arthritic spine and walking just doesn't happen, let alone running).
And people wonder why I won't go visit the doctor...it's coz I might as well stay home and diagnose myself. Although ten to one I'll give myself a disease indigenous to some kind of jungle civilisation purely out of panic and then order twenty cases of anti viral drugs which could vaccinate an entire African nation, down the lot and wonder why I don't wake up again. There is a reason I am not a doctor. And it's a damn good one too...