Abusive Relationships

Ok, this is a tough one - not least because even today, people are loath to discuss an abusive relationship or even acknowledge that they are in one. There are many people out there, both male and female, living in an abusive environment and the lack of willingness to speak out or seek help is largely due to the nature of the abuse they are receiving.

Types of abuse

Contrary to popular belief, an abusive relationship is not limited to your partner beating you on a daily basis - this common misconception leads many victims of abuse to believe that they are not being abused because they are not being physically hurt. This is not the case and abuse can take a variety of forms:

• Physical - being hit, kicked, slapped, head butted, pushed, dragged, thrown etc are all types of physical abuse. Any use of weapons with which to hurt someone also counts as physical abuse.
• Mental/emotional - being told regularly that you are useless, nothing, worthless, ugly, fat, evil - basically anything derogatory can be mental/emotional abuse. Messing around with your mind by trying to convince you that certain things didn't happen when they did, or hiding things like money or certain items which make up your daily routine and pretending that you must have done it without realising is also mental/emotional abuse.
• Sexual - any form of sexual contact without your consent can be classed as abuse. Using sex as a tool to punish or to humiliate/degrade a person is abuse. Sexual intercourse without your consent (rape) is abuse.
• Withholding - if someone is denying you food, water, clothing, money or anything else which you have a right to access, this is abuse (reasonable budgetary constraints don't count).

There are many different occurrences within these categories, but you get the general idea.

How do I know if I am being abused?

This isn't such a strange question, believe it or not. Many people are often in denial about whether they are being abused and will often pass off events as "my fault" or try to justify their abuser's actions by putting it down to a stressful day, past events or something they did to upset them. If you have been abused as a child, you may see this as something that you deserve; thinking that because one person abused you before, there must be something about you which means others have the right to do the same.

One of the core components of an abuser's makeup, if you like, is jealousy. They are often very needy and demanding, requiring total obedience in order to feel like they are in control. Often they come from an abused background themselves - much like a playground bully is often born of being bullied in the past - and follow similar behavioural patterns. Take a look at this checklist to see if any of these characteristics are present within your situation:

• Are they jealous or possessive?
• Do they try to control you by being very bossy or demanding?
• Do they try to isolate you from socialising with friends, family or colleagues?
• Do they command that you stay home even if they go out?
• Do they refuse to allow you to take a job or learn a new skill?
• Are they claiming it is your fault they are this way?
• Do they blame you when they mistreat you?
• Do they make you have to ask for food/money/clothing/permission to leave the house?
• Do they pressure you sexually or demand you take part in sexual acts which make you uncomfortable?
• When you try to leave them, do you find yourself going back over and over again, despite the warnings of family and friends?
• Do they make jokes at your expense, either privately or in front of others?
• Do they constantly keep track of the time you spend away from them and/or want to know where you have been? Do they read mobile phone messages and emails belonging to you?
• Are family and friends expressing their concern for you?
• Are you being accused of being unfaithful on a regular basis?

There are many more indications of an abusive relationship, but the above listed are the most common. If you think that you are being abused after reading this list, then you need to do something about it and fast. One of the major goals of any abuser is to assume complete and utter control of their victim, thus ensuring that they will always be obeyed - this is often why so many victims of abuse do not speak out or gather the courage to leave an abusive person. It is often too frightening to even contemplate trying to live without their abuser and they can form a sort of dependency on them and need to be told what to do, where to go and how to dress in order to feel safe. This will sound crazy to an outsider who has never been in such a situation, but anyone who has been abused will be able to empathise with someone who refuses to leave. However, if you can recognise the signs early on, you stand a better chance of being strong enough to walk away before it gets worse.

But you don't understand - I can't leave

Unfortunately, I do understand. I was abused by my ex partner for over 2 years and I know just how impossible it feels to even begin to think about how to get away. Only my mother could see that something was wrong - to everyone else, my partner was this wonderful man who entertained everybody with his jokes; he always had a smile on his face and was giving and generous. But behind closed doors, he would deny me food and money - I would be locked in my room for hours on end for not finding a takeaway menu on time; I'd be forced to beg for money from neighbours so he could go to the pub and get drunk. If I did not obey him, I was sometimes raped or forced to participate in vile sexual acts whilst telling me it was my job to service him and ensure he was happy at all costs. He'd even tell me he loved me afterwards and make me a cup of tea - something which would confuse me into thinking he was really just being a normal loving man and I was the one who was being difficult.

There were many other incidents which I won't go into but it took a long time to break away. My mum actually sent me a print-out of the abuse victim's escape kit, which consisted of a bag with a change of clothes, spare keys, passport and necessary documents like birth certificate, medical card and other identification as well as stuff for my daughter. I kept adding to this bag on a daily basis when my ex wasn't looking and kept it stashed in my daughter's wardrobe because I knew he would never look there. It was weird, really - I was packing a bag which I never really believed I would ever use as I refused to accept that the relationship was no good for me. After all, it was his name on the lease, his name on the welfare money we received and my name on all the bills so if he left, I'd be screwed financially.

It was only after he mentioned he sometimes wondered what it would be like to sexually assault our baby that I started to seriously consider leaving for her sake - then I went out whilst he was away for a weekend, got drunk and had a one-night stand with one of my friend's acquaintances. Afterwards, I didn't even feel guilty so I rang up my ex and told him he was going to have to move out. At first he was very willing and left - but before too long he was turning up at the house at all hours of the day and night, threatening me and demanding money. I eventually had extra locks fitted and got a court order against him - he died three days later without ever knowing the injunction had been granted.

After reading this account, you may be wondering what the hell took me so long to leave and I'll tell you why. The bond between abuser and victim is often so strong it is almost impossible to even think about leaving. There is a tremendous amount of secrecy involved; lots of lying to the outside world about what is really going on - it is hard to break that cycle and inside you really start to believe what the other person is saying to you about you being worthless and how no one else will have you. You become incredibly dependent on your abuser for your sense of identity, for your money and for your basic needs like food, clothing and water. Some women will defend their abuser's actions even after they have escaped the abusive situation and this is unhealthy but understandable considering the huge emotional hold over them - even if it's been only a relatively short length of time in an abusive relationship.

So back to the matter at hand - if you think that after reading through the checklist you may be in an abusive relationship, let's look at what to do next.

The next step

Once you have accepted that abuse is occurring and you are willing to leave, you need to find the appropriate help. Let me point out here that it is possible for a relationship to continue even if it has been abusive in the past if both of you seek the right help and support. Why both of you, you may ask - well, it is vital that as an abused person you must learn how to recognise the signs and learn to not accept abuse as part of your life. No one is blaming anyone, but you need to appreciate that if you allow an abuser to walk all over you, the chances are you will allow another person to do the same. The aim of specialist support for a couple in an abusive relationship is to get both parties to see what a healthy and what an unhealthy relationship looks like. From the checklist above, you will already have seen what an unhealthy relationship can contain - but what is a healthy relationship supposed to be like? If you have been in a series of abusive relationships, you may find it difficult to imagine so here is a general idea of how people should behave towards one another in a healthy relationship:

• Putting one another first - ensuring the happiness and wellbeing of your partner and them doing the same for you means everyone wins.
• Respect - not putting each other down or making jokes at their expense. Encouraging them to do what they enjoy and giving them the space they need when they need it.
• Support and friendship - being there for each other, not trampling over feelings and ignoring them when they are having problems.
• Trust - a fundamental aspect of any relationship. Not being possessive and jealous; letting them go out on their own with friends and family. Not accusing them of affairs or reading their private correspondence.
• Love - love is more than the mushy feelings inside - it is a choice to stick with someone no matter what and be there for them.
• Honesty - being honest with each other means there are no secrets, no lies and no mistrust.
• Talking, not shouting - discussing things through calmly, listening to each other and allowing the other to say what they want to say without interrupting or accusing them; also making decisions as a couple, with all feelings and opinoins being taken into account.

Again, this is just a general idea and relationships obviously vary depending on the people involved, so don't take it as Gospel that this is how your relationship ought to be to the letter. We are only human, after all, and everyone loses their temper and says things in haste from time to time - one argument does not necessarily constitute an abusive relationship.

If your abuser will not seek help, then you cannot force them to - but that doesn't mean you should not receive any help for yourself. Very often an abuser will apologise profusely after the act; crying and begging you not to leave them. They may promise never to do it again and you may experience a period of time whereby they buy you gifts, are extra helpful around the house and are affectionate and loving towards you. Be warned however - this state of peace may not last and if they are an abuser, they will hurt you again.

So how can you help yourself? Firstly, talk to someone who isn't involved in your situation whatsoever - whilst it may be tempting to talk to friends, you need to be sure that they can handle what you are telling them and won't gossip behind your back. The last thing you need is for word to get around to your abuser that you are thinking of leaving or talking to the police about their actions - this could potentially put you in a very dangerous situation. Also, you can run the risk of a friend not believing your story - something which can be so damaging because it can make you really start to question whether you are right or not. I remember when I first opened up to one of my closest friends about my abuse and she looked at me and said "you must be mistaken. That can't have happened to you. Are you sure you didn't imagine it all?" I think we didn't speak after that for a good few months...

If you live in the UK and are female there is a wonderful organisation called Women's Aid and the people there proved invaluable to me when I was waiting for the court order to come through. They can help you find a solicitor, if necessary, and even whisk you and your children, if you have any, away to a safe location that same night if need be. I'd really encourage you to visit their website Women's Aid which has everything you could possibly need to know about escaping an abusive situation, including The Survivor's Handbook which is an indispensable guide to surviving domestic abuse and the various people who can help you out.

If you live in the US, then the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence might be able to help you and point you in the right direction: NCADV. They can help you create a safety plan which can be used when you are ready to make that break away from an abusive situation.

This is very important, so please pay close attention - under no circumstances must you let your abuser know where you are - especially if you are in a safe house provided by a charity or organisation. This will put other escapees at risk and could possibly mean your eviction. If you are staying with a friend or relative, make sure they understand that they mustn't tell your abuser where you are either.

Once you have found someone to talk to or somewhere safe to stay, if applicable, then you need to decide whether you want to involve the authorities. If your abuser has caused you physical harm or sexually abused you in any way, you may wish to consider contacting the police and making a formal statement. You may not be able to face this, especially if you have been sexually abused, but there will be people trained especially to deal with your situation and it will be handled with the greatest of care. Or you may need to get involved with a solicitor in order to get a court order in place so that your abuser cannot come near you and your children, if you have any. Again, the above websites will be able to advise you further on the best course of action. Remember - courts are taking abuse very seriously nowadays and it is less likely that you abuser will "get away with it" than it was a few years ago, so don't allow yourself to be discouraged from taking this course of action if you believe it is the right thing for you to do.

Yeah, that's great - but I'm a guy. What do I do if I'm being abused?

Sadly, most people think that only women suffer abuse but it is becoming more and more apparent that men suffer too - either at the hands of their male partner in a homosexual relationship or by women. There is this unwritten rule that seems to be embedded in the minds of men everywhere that it's not ok to hit a woman, but she can hit you. This is not the case and you must not let it continue. The hardest thing to combat, in some of these cases, is your pride. The thought of admitting to anyone that your wife/girlfriend/partner is abusing you can be incredibly embarrassing and the idea that people will laugh at you may be too much to bear. But you can get support and you can get help from the following organisations:

• Survivors UK - support for men who have been sexually abused or raped.
• Respect - for both men and women suffering abuse, but also covers if you are the abuser and wish to get help.
• Men's Adviceline - specifically created to help men who are in situations of abuse, including a helpline and online advice.
• Broken Rainbow - Especially for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people suffering abuse.

Many of these sites, as with Women's Aid, offer the option to cover your tracks on the internet so that your abuser won't be able to find out what you've been looking at - just follow the on-screen advice to activate this. Do not let the fact that you are a man stop you from asking for help - these guys will not judge you, laugh at you or tell you to suck it up and it can't possibly be that bad - women can be insanely violent and often hide behind that aforementioned unwritten rule that women can hit men and get away with it. Well, they can't get away with it and the more men who speak out against domestic violence, the more seriously this issue will be taken.

In the long run

It can be a long, scary and sometimes seemingly impossible road to escape the horror of an abusive environment but you do not have to do it alone. There are literally hundreds of organisations out there that can help you overcome your situation and move on to a brighter future - if all you can do for months on end is just talk to someone once a week on the phone or on an online community, then that is better than suffering in silence. Just having someone listen without judgement can help you clarify things in your mind so that eventually you can get to a place where you are ready to think about getting out - you are always welcome here at our forums to talk about anything you like in a safe place or you can contact us in complete confidence.

Ultimately, the decision to leave an abusive environment lies with you - but please do not leave it too late to escape. The sooner you ask for help, the sooner you can make steps towards a life free from abuse.