Bereavement

The death of someone is always a shock, no matter how well you knew the person or how the death occurred. For some of you, it may have been a long, drawn-out affair due to illness; for others it could have been a sudden event such as an accident, suicide or even the result of violent crime. Whatever happened, you will find yourself having to deal with a variety of emotions which may not make any sense whatsoever and may even alarm you with the sheer ferocity of feeling that comes with the grieving process. I'm going to do my best to cover as much as I can, but I will also be including links to various charities and support organisations who will be able to help you further, if you need them to.

The Grieving Adult (18+)
The Grieving Child (up to 18)

Common reactions to the death of someone

There are no set rules for how you react to a death - there are so many different factors affecting each individual situation that no one can predict how you may feel. The following are just possible emotions/reactions to death and are in no way a definitive guide to grief - it is always personal and always individual, no matter what anyone says. Everyone deals with things differently and in their own way.

• Fear - you may be extremely frightened about being alone or leaving others if the same happened to you. You may be afraid of death and can't face the thought that one day you will die too. You may become fearful of forgetting the person who has died and start panicking about other loved-ones. Maybe you might be scared of going outside or continuing with your usual lifestyle after the event.
• Shame - you may have said/done something prior to the death which you are ashamed of and wish you hadn't done. You may feel shame for grieving over someone who has hurt you in the past or done a great wrong to someone else in your family or group of friends. You may feel shame for having no feelings other than relief that this person is finally gone. You may feel ashamed because you don't seem to be handling things the same way as everyone else.
• Sadness - this speaks for itself, really. Sadness can vary from person to person - it can be a slight melancholic feeling or a crushing despair for who you have lost.
• Anger - perhaps the person who died left you raising a family alone, or without any provision for the future. Perhaps other people are suddenly grieving when before they had no time for that person and you feel that their memory is being dishonoured. Perhaps you are angry because you wish it was you and not them who has died; you wish there was something someone could have done to prevent this. Maybe you believe the care that your loved one received was no adequate and you want to blame someone for their death. Or it could be that others don't seem to be sensitive to how you are feeling or perhaps you are angry that you are not grieving in the way you expected.
• Guilt - you may think that this is somehow your fault - or maybe you were both in an accident, for example, and you were the one who survived. Maybe you argued with the person right before their death and now think if it wasn't for your actions they would still be alive.
• Numb - the mind is a remarkable thing and many people dealing with a bereavement often feel confused that they aren't as emotional as expected. This is because in times of shock, the mind can sometimes filter your emotions so that you feel the pain of loss gradually as opposed to all at once. You may find you have no feelings whatsoever for quite a long period of time after the death. This is often misinterpreted as "being strong" or "uncaring".
• Physical ailments - sometimes, we can be so distraught that our body begins to feel physical pain such as headaches, stomach aches and mystery aches and pains which cannot be attributed to anything else. We can feel exhausted and drained of energy, suffer from insomnia, lack of interest in food/sex and may even find that an existing condition worsens during this stressful period.

There are, of course, many other emotions and feelings which may be rocketing around your brain at this time and some may be as extreme as wanting to die too so you can stop hurting or be with the person who has died. You may find yourself daydreaming often about past events or imagining what could have been if that person was still alive. You may be hurt that you have been left behind or that the person who died never answered for what they did in their lifetime which hurt you. Again, no one can tell you how to feel and no one can predict these sorts of emotions either, which is why you can often feel shocked by your own feelings and the strength of them.

Conflicting emotions

One of the more difficult aspects of bereavement are conflicting emotions - when someone dies, you kind of expect to react in a certain way. When this doesn't happen or you are beset by feelings which are totally unexpected, this can lead to confusion and even doubt as to whether you have the "right" to grieve at all. Combine this with insensitive people giving you their opinions and you're well on your way to feeling pretty awful.

Louise (not her real name) was with her fiance for over 2 years. During this time, he was sexually, mentally and emotionally abusive, often leaving her home alone with their baby and taking all the money to go and gamble or buy drugs. If she complained, she was subjected to being locked in her room alone, denied food or even on some occasions she was raped for her disobedience. Finally, Louise and her fiance split up and she obtained a court order to prevent him from going near her or their baby. Three days after the order was granted, her fiance died suddenly of unknown causes.

Louise's first reaction was to cry - but less than an hour after being told the news, she was overwhelmed by feelings of relief and even happiness that at last she was free of her ex and her child would be safe too. She found it strange to receive sympathy cards and have people hug her and give her their condolences - she felt fine about the whole thing. But on the day of the funeral, she suddenly found herself consumed by grief and unable to control her sadness. She stopped eating, stayed at home in the dark and refused to see people unless absolutely necessary. She lost almost two stone over two months and the grief was so intense she thought she was going mad. Finally it subsided and she found herself intensely angry - angry at herself, angry that her ex would never answer for what he did and angry that everyone else seemed to either think she had no right to be sad or they had conveniently forgotten how horrible her ex had been to everyone around him and kept saying how wonderful he was. It took almost 3 years for her to resolve her feelings and now she is largely at peace about everything, having since married and moved away from the house she and her ex shared together.

But Louise's feelings are not uncommon - many people find themselves feeling for someone they previously hated or having to stomach others spouting sentimental nonsense about someone they neither cared for nor even knew very well. It can be very difficult watching other people pretend that someone was fantastic when you know for a fact that they weren't. In these cases, it can be easier to regard the deceased as a diamond - multi-faceted and showing each person only one side of themselves - it could be that you only ever got to see the harsh, domineering side, the critical side, the abusive side, the uncaring side. Others may have been able to see the generous side, the loving side, the forgiving side. It's not easy to realise that you may never have fully known the person who has died, but take comfort in the fact that you can be honest about how you feel without being disrespectful. I never knew my grandfather very well, so to me he was just an old man we saw twice a year who ate liquorice allsorts and played chess. To my father he was an evil man who controlled my grandmother, forced his sister into marriage with a man she hardly knew and drank heavily. My father never forgave him and even refused to attend the funeral when my grandfather died.

Often in families, the grief is further complicated by tangled relationships and members suddenly "popping up" out of nowhere to see what they might be entitled to in the will. During times like these, it is hard to grieve properly because you may find yourself consumed with bitterness, jealousy and a sense of injustice. You may be wondering how these people seem to have no conscience about their actions, no respect for your loss and the memory of the deceased. You may feel like screaming "Why can no one see what this person is really like?!" when they cry crocodile tears out of one eye whilst scanning the will greedily with the other. It is really hard and unfortunately you may not get the answers you want for a long time. I am a great believer in "what goes around, comes around" - you never know; that person who has seemingly fooled everyone else into thinking they are mourning the loss of someone when all they really want is a share in the profits may get their comeuppance sooner or later. It could even be that you are mistaken in your judgement of that person and they genuinely are grieving in the only way they know how - be careful that in your grief you don't try to look for a scapegoat to blame for your misfortune.

How can I help someone who is grieving?

You could be in a for a bumpy ride as some people may not take too kindly to your help. Be sensitive to their needs and also don't take it to heart if you are on the receiving end of some unpleasant verbal attacks - some people need to be able to vent their frustration and anger and it won't be your fault if they direct it at you. They may even get quite personal - if this is the case and it is too upsetting for you, tell them gently but firmly that they have every right to be upset but that doesn't mean they can be abusive towards you. Perhaps allowing them to have some space would be wise at this time, but make sure they are aware that you aren't rejecting them in any way.

Some people respond to flowers, letters and cards of condolences - others might need more practical help such as cooking meals for them, doing odd jobs around the house or babysitting their children. Just being there to listen to them is invaluable as often the bereaved person may feel that no one cares after the first few weeks following a person's death and unfortunately, the majority of people do expect you to cheer up quickly because they aren't upset anymore. Being available to talk to either in person or by telephone - even years after the death - speaks more to a person than a card and an exasperated "Come on, it's been ages. Pull yourself together" pep talk.

If you are knowledgeable in the ways of sorting out wills, estates, organising funerals and so on, it may be helpful for you to offer your assistance to the family at this time - even if you just attend meetings with them to show moral support. Having someone they know who can decipher the often baffling legal mumbo-jumbo of probate, executors and outstanding financial arrangements will be a great help and less threatening than someone who doesn't know them at all. Do some research on their behalf so that you can help them find out what benefits they can claim or who to call to sort out the mortgage or debts - don't take over and make them feel like they have no control, but be as involved as they will allow. Sometimes it may be necessary for you to take control of the situation, particularly if the person involved is not coping and letting things get behind like repayments or organising childcare. At no point must you let the words "snap out of it", "pull yourself together" or "so and so has more right to be sad than you - stop attention seeking" come out of your mouth - trust me, it doesn't help! If you find yourself becoming impatient with someone who is grieving, take a step back and see if someone else can take your place until you can calm down - it can be very draining dealing with someone else's grief, especially if you live with them and need their help with day-to-day activities.

Above all, give them time to grieve. Anniversaries may be especially difficult and things like birthdays, first Christmas and major events that they should have experienced before they died will all give rise to some very strong emotions. You may find that they seem to be absolutely fine for ages and then all of a sudden they are inconsolable over not being able to make the dinner on time or forgetting to post a letter - this is normal and they need to be allowed to express their grief no matter how long after the death that it occurs.

The Grieving Adult

It's often assumed that as an adult you'll be able to understand why a person died, how it happened and also be able to deal with all the more complicated aspects of death such as organising funerals/memorial services and dealing with a deceased person's estate. Of course, seeing as you are some kind of superhuman now, you'll also be able to handle your emotions efficiently and with minimal disruption to your daily life - and everyone else's, for that matter - right? Wrong. If anything, you are just as susceptible to grief as anyone else, no matter how capable you are usually. Death is something that whilst it happens to us all at some point, it rarely happens at a convenient moment. There is always something we should have said/done that we didn't get round to; always one more hug or kiss or "I love you". Even if your relationship with the person who has died was somewhat strained or even all but destroyed, you may still find yourself battling with unbidden emotions and thoughts that you didn't expect to have to deal with. You must allow yourself the time to grieve, even though it may seem like you don't have the luxury of taking a break right now. There may be so much to do, to organise and to say; there will be people to see, children to console and maybe even legalities to deal with. The circumstances of the death will have a profound effect on how you feel and react - and other people may or may not make it any easier for you.

Do not hesitate to ask for the help you need - if there are immediate practical needs to be met, don't be shy in asking family and friends to help. If you belong to a church or other religious organisation, let them know what has happened and see if they can rally round to help you out with cooking, cleaning, lifts to and from appointments and childcare. If you have no one to rely on but yourself, contact one of the following organisations who can help you find people to talk to and people who can help you make decisions and apply for certain benefits you may be entitled to:

• Cruse Bereavement Care
• The Samaritans
• Bereavement UK
• Directgov - Bereavement and financial support UK
• The Child Bereavement Trust

The Grieving Child

Different age-groups handle death in different ways - if you have experienced the death of someone you know, you are going to have plenty of questions that simply won't be satisfied by adults telling you to wait until you are older. Some questions may never be answered, sadly, but common things you may be wondering are:

• Is it my fault?
• Did so and so die because I was naughty/did something wrong?
• They haven't died - they're going to come back soon, aren't they?
• They didn't care about me enough - that's why they've left me on my own
• Am I being punished by God?
• I want to die - I can't cope without them
• Where have they gone now that they are dead?
• Will I ever get to see them again?

Of course there will be other feelings and questions - many of which may never be answered simply because we don't have the answers. This might make you feel angry, confused, let down and upset - you may want more attention from other people and find that only by misbehaving you can get others to notice that you are hurting too. Maybe it's been a certain length of time since a parent passed away and the surviving parent wants to bring someone else into the home and you feel like your mum/dad is being replaced. Maybe you feel rejected and want to get away but can't.

When a friend or young person dies it is a horrible shock because you don't expect it. We tend to think we will live forever and death is a million light years away from us - so when someone young dies, it brings a stark reality a little too close to home. You want to know why someone with so much to live for has been snatched away so soon and you may not want to even contemplate that the same could happen to you too. When someone older dies, it is no less of a shock but the reaction may be slightly different depending on their place in your life. If they are a parent, you may feel like they have abandoned you and the responsibility of keeping the rest of the family together may seem like it falls to you whilst the surviving parent struggles to cope with their loss. You may have suicidal thoughts and feelings; you may refuse to eat or come out of your room. You may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain - these reactions are normal, but you need to make sure you don't let yourself come to harm. Many of the organisations listed above cater for young people dealing with grief and it isn't as embarrassing or scary as you think to contact them and talk things through. They can support you through your grief and even point you in the direction of people who can help you if you are having to hold up the family - you should not do this alone and without support.

What about young children? What do I tell them?

First of all, don't lie to them - children are pretty smart and can tell when an adult is fobbing them off with a lame excuse. Be honest and explain what has happened in simple terms appropriate to their age group and level of understanding. Do not use euphemisms like "so and so is asleep" or "lost" or "gone away". Children know that people who are asleep wake up, those lost can be found and people who go away come back. Explain that when someone dies it means their body no longer works properly and cannot move, breathe, eat or speak like other people can. Say that because the body no longer works, there is nothing anyone can do to fix it so that person cannot be with us anymore. Use examples, if you have any personal ones, such as the death of a pet or remind them of when someone else died. Some people may criticise you for being honest, but ignore them - you are doing the right thing by being upfront with your children and it is no one else's business but yours, at the end of the day.

Children are remarkably resilient but don't be fooled into thinking that they can cope with death easily - quite often, when told about a death, a child will want to go and play a game or have a snack - normal, everyday routines. This is not insensitivity on their part, rather their limited understanding of what death means. Some children may revert back to being like babies for a short time; others may have nightmares or be inconsolable and believe it is their fault. In all cases, offer reassurance and be available to them if they need to be upset or angry. Show them your grief too so that they know it is normal to be upset or angry about what has happened - you may think you are protecting them by hiding your feelings, but they can mistake your strength for not caring about the person who has died.

There are many ways to remember the person who has died with your children - photos, cards, letters, particular toys; these can all be kept in a box of memories that your children can get out at their leisure, sift through the various treasures and remember when they got that teddy or took that picture. If your children did not attend the funeral, why not take them to a place they shared with the person who died so they can remember all the happy times they had together or go to the garden centre, pick up some nice plants and plant them in your garden/window box as a memorial to their loved one. The Child Bereavement Trust is an excellent source of information and further advice on how to counsel bereaved children and they also have plenty of resources such as stories and keepsake items to help explain death to children and to help them remember who has died.

Moving on

As insensitive as it may seem, the issue of moving on after a death is one which many people struggle with and it is important to address it. Allow me to point out here that there are no set rules about what you should and shouldn't do. If you have lost a partner then you will have the unenviable task of not only considering dating again but also the reactions of others around you who will undoubtedly be incredibly opinionated about what you do and who you see. If it was a child who died, you may have concerns as to whether it is wrong to have another baby, for example, or if it is the right time to think about doing that Spring clean of their old bedroom. What if you've lost a parent and your mum/dad is thinking about being with someone else even though you aren't ready to have a step-parent yet?

The hardest thing to accept is that the person who has died really has gone forever and no amount of hanging on to memories or keeping their things "as they were" on the day they died will change this sad fact. Whilst you may have come to terms, as best you can, with the death of a loved one, be aware that not everyone else will be in the same place as you emotionally. This is why communication is so very important at all stages of coping with a bereavement and if you are thinking of making some changes then those who it will directly affect ought to be involved. Of course, everyone has an opinion as to how long you ought to wait before dating/having another baby/clearing away the deceased's belongings but as hard as it is, you must try not to let them tell you what to do if you know that the timing is right for you. It is not because you no longer care or because you want to forget all about the person who died but you cannot live in the past forever and it is very unhealthy to dwell on memories when there is the rest of your life to live and people who need you to be in the land of the living, as it were. You will always remember the person you lost, but do not fall into the trap of feeling guilty about wanting to carry on with your life - those who try to accuse you of being unfeeling or selfish are those who have not fully dealt with the loss themselves - do not carry their feelings too or you will end up emotionally crippling yourself which is not fair.

If you are thinking of dating again after the loss of your partner and you have children, talk to them about your plans; explain that you are not trying to replace mum/dad/significant other and that you will always remember that person but that you also need to live life as they would have wanted. One fear may be that your children will think they haven't shown you enough love and so you need to find someone else to make you feel like you matter - this requires some careful handling as you will need to explain the difference between the love you receive from your family and the love you receive from your partner. If they are old enough, you can be as detailed as you think is necessary but if they are fairly young, you will have to use more simple terms and maybe even a relevant story can help you explain. There may be some anger, tears and even a period whereby your children revert back to being babies again but this is all normal and just keep reassuring them. It is also important that you do not rush things, even though it may be tempting to dive into a new relationship, and be sure your children are prepared if you decide to bring your new man/lady home for dinner or even the night. Be sensitive to the fact that this will be a confusing and unsettling time for them and they will need to know that they still matter to you.

Perhaps you have lost a parent and are not ready for your mum/dad to start going out with someone new? If you can, talk to them about your feelings but try not to accuse them of being unfeeling or trying to get rid of your mum/dad - this is not the case and they are only trying to do their best for everyone. No matter how much you love your parents, they need to be loved by another adult too and it may not be right for them to spend the rest of their lives alone just because their children don't want them to move on. Might sound harsh, but you need to understand their feelings just as much as they need to appreciate yours. Calm discussion is the best way forward and perhaps a compromise can be reached if they will not back down about going out with someone - you can offer to babysit your younger siblings or not complain when your mum/dad goes out if they agree to stay in the next night and do something together as a family - perhaps a games night or, if you feel ready, going through the family album and remembering the good times you all had together before the death happened.

No matter who you have lost, it is important to reach a place whereby you can enjoy a future without being bound by the past but also don't try to bury your grief in a flurry of activity and endless dates. Being with someone else or trying for a new baby after losing one can bring about some very strong emotions so be willing to talk about them or they could set you back in terms of dealing with your grief. Whilst you mustn't allow every man and his dog to tell you how you should feel and what to do, you do need to take the feelings of certain others into account as it will affect them too. Always keep the lines of communication as open as possible and know when to be firm and when to back down.

Final words

No matter how old you are, you need support to deal with your grief - do not hesitate to get in contact with any one of the organisations mentioned above, visit our Coping With Loss forum or use our Contact Us form to speak with someone about your situation. We are always here to help and all correspondence is in complete confidence.