Single Parenting

Let's be honest here, ok? Single parenting SUCKS. Even if you love your kids, build shrines to them and would gladly inhale anthrax powder on their behalf, it is a damn hard job for just one person. Because if we are truly upfront about this, you always thought that when you did have children, you'd be in a loving and committed relationship where both of you would share the parenting and do it together. Sadly, whether you're a guy or a gal, it doesn't always go that way and you can find yourself left holding the baby for a number of reasons. Maybe your boyfriend left you when you got pregnant? Perhaps your partner left you and you're handling things alone? Maybe you got sole custody after the divorce or because of a court ruling, your partner/ex partner may not be allowed to participate in your child(ren)'s life for the forseeable future? Perhaps your partner died or went missing, leaving you to raise the family by yourself? It could be that your partner's job means they have to be away from home for long periods of time. Whatever the reason, there are lots of other single parents out there and you are most definitely not the only one having to crack on with life as a lone parent.

You may find you feel isolated and lonely - this can happen even if you've even been a single parent for many years, so don't be surprised if the feelings hit you all of a sudden and out of the blue. Without sharing this stress with others, it can lead to you going into emotional meltdown inside - which does more harm than good and can affect you and your loved ones.

You don't get it - I can't cope doing this alone

Up until January 2007 I was a single mother to a little girl of 5 years - her father was, for all intents and purposes, a moron who caused me nothing but trouble until I kicked him out and the following year he died. Either way, I was up the financial and emotional creek without a paddle and didn't know what to do seeing as all the money was in his name and all the bills were in mine - everytime I rang a company to deal with bills or rent, I was met with quite a degree of patronising and sarcastic comments about how I should know all this stuff and one man even said to me, "What were you, then? The little woman?" which wound me up somewhat...

The key here is to be tough - not rude or obnoxious - but be assertive with companies who you need to get in touch with so that things are dealt with quickly and efficiently with the minimum of disruption. If it's hard to talk on the phone, take a deep breath and try writing some notes for yourself so that you know exactly what you want to say and are less likely to be swayed by sales patter and call-centre staff who don't really have a clue as to what they are doing. If you do not know a particular reference number or something similar then be ready with your personal details which can confirm who you are. The best people to get in touch with would be your local Citizen's Advice Bureau who are experts at helping newly single parents get back on their feet in terms of sorting out any debts and issues with housing. They can liaise with the local council and utility companies on your behalf, explain the situation and get you back on track.

Practically, there is a lot of help available besides the Citizen's Advice Bureau and I'd recommend you take everything you can get if it will make life easier for you - even if it's just short term. If people offer to babysit then take them up on it because you might not get another chance - don't hide away just because you're on your own; get out there and enjoy your life again - but it's ok if you can't face the outside world just yet. But please make sure you have at least one person you can confide in because the last thing you need on top of everything else is some kind of emotional breakdown - a good chat can make those problems seem that bit smaller and you never know, you might just be able to work out some kind of plan of action between you. Get in touch with your local benefits agency and ensure you are getting all you are entitled to - as a single parent, you do not need to go out to work if you cannot find the childcare that you need so you may be eligible for Income Support. However, I wouldn't recommend staying on it long-term because not only is it a pretty small amount to raise a family on, it also makes it harder to go back to work since those in receipt of Income Support can qualify to have their council tax and rent paid for either in part or completely. Might sound like a great incentive to never going back to work, but if and when you do decide to get a job you suddenly find yourself with these extra bills which you have become accustomed to not paying. As a single adult you ought to get 25% knocked off your council tax bill, which is handy, and can still claim for Child Tax Credit and Working Families Tax Credit seeing as you are the only parent left to bring up the children.

Emotionally, well it's gonna be tough for a while. Once the initial sadness/relief of being single again wears off, you've got to knuckle down to the day-to-day crap of being two parents at once. And I'm telling you know, it is no walk in the park. You may be fortunate and have wonderful, generous, mature and helpful kids who will bend over backwards to make life easier for you. Chances are, you do not fall into that teeny tiny category and you have average kids with attitude, tantrums and the inability to make their dirty washing get as far as the laundry basket. Add in a good helping of emotional blackmail mixed with guilt and you're well on your way to wanting to run away and hide in the woods until Social Services cart them off to someone who can cope. My advice? Don't be a hero - it doesn't do anyone any good and as hard as it may be to admit you are not in control - or even want to be - you will be doing yourself and your kids a favour by asking for help. Because being on your own, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, with less money and even less time; kids yelling/sulking/crying/asking for dad or mum/comparing dad or mum's new partner with you etc is going to make you feel as though you are slowly going completely and utterly mental.

That's all very well and good - but I want to know how to deal with this

Okey dokey, let's crack on then, shall we? First and foremost this is not going to be a smooth transition into single parenthood - and watching all the Super Nanny in the world is not going to help you when you are on your own late at night, the kids fast asleep and the TV off, sobbing your heart out or re-reading that nasty/loving letter from your ex. You need to accept as soon as possible that it is ok to be sad, it is ok to be angry, and it is ok to lose it once in a while when it is all just too much for you. A few warnings I want to address first though:

• If you feel like harming yourself because of your feelings, please see our self harm article for more information on how to get help and how to deal with your emotions in a less damaging way.
• If you find yourself turning to drink or drugs more often or for the first time, you may be developing an addiction and I would strongly recommend you visit your GP to discuss further care and help.
• Should your temper get the better of you and you find yourself lashing out at the children or other people, it is essential you seek professional help ASAP. Violence is not the answer, although it may seem like the only way to deal with your anger and pain.

Now that's done, let's move on shall we? If the reason you are single is because your ex left you or you had to leave him/her, then you might find it helpful to have a Spring clean. Inform your ex, if appropriate, so that they may come and pick up any items they wish to keep and also allow your children the opportunity to choose things which matter to them. As tempting as it may be, do not destroy any photographs and if you can't bear to look at the albums, either put them away somewhere safe or let your children take care of them - the same applies to framed photographs. Your kids have a right to a relationship with their absent parent, however hard it may be for you, and you mustn't allow your feelings to make them feel guilty for wanting to see their mum/dad and for wanting to hold onto things that remind them of good times they have had.

If your partner has died then obviously this is an awful time for you all and I really feel for you. When you are ready to think about dealing with your loss, check out our bereavement article for sources of further advice and support for both you and your children. In the home, to be honest, the above advice could apply here. It may be too painful for you to look at all the things which remind you of your loved one but on the other hand, you may not want to move anything at all - do what feels right to you and keep talking with your kids every step of the way.

One thing which may be extremely tempting is to over-compensate for the lack of the other parent by buying treats and presents for you children. I've done it myself and to be honest, all it does is spoil your kids and make them even more demanding. Money could well be tight, so don't cripple yourself financially because of guilty feelings - keep presents to particular occasions and be aware that your ex, depending on how amicable the split was, may rub your nose in it as far as money and gifts are concerned. He/she may be swanning around in a new car with their brand new clothes and fancy pad in the upmarket side of town, showering your kids with presents and making incredible promises...but you are the one who is with them all the time, looking after them, comforting them and being there for them. There may be a degree of pressure from your kids once they realise mum/dad is now seemingly loaded and why can't you take them here there and everywhere but stand firm because ultimately it is a consistent and firm environment where children thrive. Whilst mum/dad may be able to jet them off to Disney Land at the drop of a hat, it is no permanent lifestyle and there will come a time when the trips will stop, the presents will become few and far between and the comparisons are less important. If your ex-partner is unreliable, it will make it harder for your children to cope with the situation and they will need you more than ever - parenting is a thankless task, even if you still have your partner with you, so don't be surprised if it isn't until they have children themselves that your kids realise what you have done for them and how hard it has been.

If you have legitimate concerns about your ex-partner regarding contact with your kids, there are child contact centres scattered throughout the UK whereby in a safe and controlled environment, your ex can visit without the worry of having them in your home or taking the children somewhere without you knowing the address. You won't even have to see your ex - they come in one door and you come in another. Again, you need to be careful about how you explain this option to your kids and if your ex-partner is really thinking about the best for your children, they shouldn't put up too much of a fight. As hard as it is, your children's welfare, not your personal grudges, needs to be paramount during this period and if there is a way your ex can see the children then you should allow for this option where possible.

Taking time out for you

Now let's look at more personal ways of coping - namely, being selfish. Sounds awful, I know, but if you don't look after yourself, no one else will. The temptation after being left on your own is to let yourself go - either in retaliation to a demanding ex who never let you eat what you wanted or grow your beard, or because you just cannot cope and don't see the reason to look after yourself. It is easy to get into the mentality that seeing as your ex doesn't want you anymore, no one will ever want you - this is nonsense and if you really want to stick two fingers up at him/her, then start pampering yourself now. If you are single through bereavement, then it may be a nice way of showing your respect and love by still wearing the clothes they always liked you to and splashing on that aftershave or perfume they bought every birthday. You may want to reinvent yourself - why not? Just don't go so far that people start worrying about you - like an extreme diet. Your children still need their mum/dad and you need to be the person they recognise; it's one thing to dye your hair or change your clothes - it is quite another to start clubbing and partying if you've never been that way before. Be reliable and consistent but don't box yourself in at the same time - can be a tricky balance, but start small and work your way up gradually until you have created the perfect image for you.

So - some ideas you may want to try out:

• Start a new hobby or interest - join a group or take up a new sport; maybe get some other single parents together and start your very own support group.
• Spend one night a week on yourself - go out, watch a film at home, take a hot bath with those expensive bath oils you have been saving for a special occasion, paint your nails, do your hair, grab a beer with your mates down the pub; whatever works for you to make you feel great about yourself, do it. Get a sitter and get out!
• Join a fitness/diet club - something like Weight Watchers or an aerobics class might be something you want to do to get back in shape and eat well. When all the kids eat is chips and chicken nuggets, you might want to try your hand at something a bit more healthy and tasty - couple that with a new exercise regime and you're well on your way to becoming someone you've always wanted to be
• Talk - might sound dumb, but just talking about how you feel - even if it's negative - is the ultimate way to look after yourself. All the dieting and exercising in the world won't make you feel great if inside you're still the wreck you were when you became single again. Find a friend, counsellor, help group or join an online community and talk about what's going on in your head when you need to - you'll feel tons better for it.
• Treat yourself - finances allowing, work out a regular time when you can buy yourself something to give you that little boost. Even if you are on a low income, it is certainly possible to treat yourself once a month or so. Perhaps a new item of clothing, a haircut, a manicure or even just a nice box of chocolates - just pick something in your price range and don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself. If you have the cash, why not save up for a weekend away somewhere? Either take the kids if you can cope with that or find a relative or trusted friend who can take care of them for you and indulge yourself for a couple of days. There are also some holiday companies which offer single-parent holidays whereby your kids are taken care of in a flurry of activity during the day and you can meet other single parents or just go off by yourself and enjoy the free time.
• Get creative - write, draw, sculpt, paint - anything you like! If you were always a dab hand in the kitchen, then make a culinary masterpiece and surprise the kids when they get home...although they are bound to want a McDonalds no matter what you give them. Being creative is also very therapeutic and even if you aren't particularly adept at using your imagination or you are all fingers and thumbs when it comes to art, who cares? Just have fun and enjoy yourself.
• Take a course - many courses are free and can be taken during school hours. Some will even provide a creche for your little ones and it's a great way of meeting new people and learning new skills. You can even brush up on your English and Maths skills if you want to and could possibly undergo training in a job that interests you. Check with your local council for details of adult education and short/long term courses in your area.

Those are just a few ideas - you may find yourself thinking of others after reading that list and I say go for it. Be bold and proud of your new status as a single parent - you are doing the hardest job in the world and you ought to congratulate yourself on carrying on despite any difficulties you may have experienced along the way; even if you do think you haven't been coping at all.

Further sources of help and support

These guys are awesome - check them out when you have five minutes:

• Gingerbread Gingerbread offer contact details of local support groups as well as advice and help for all single parents.
• Single Parent Fun Because being a single parent doesn't mean you have to stop enjoying yourself. These guys help you introduce yourself to other single parents, organise activities to do with your kids and even do holidays especially for single parents and their kids.
• Single Parents UKAdvice on looking after yourself, going on holiday, financial information and returning to work after becoming a single parent.
• Lone Parents These guys are all about supporting you - they have forums, personal experiences and a section devoted to single dads, because let's face it - if you're a bloke and going it alone, you're often overlooked and that's simply not right. Plus, this site has a section for those thinking about dating again too.

I know I haven't gone into tremendous detail here but I have directed you to some people who focus solely on your situation - as with all My Stopgap articles the aim is to meet the immediate need before showing you the people who can handle things at a deeper level. Of course, you are always welcome at our forums to chat with others who have been through the same things as you or are still dealing with them - and as ever, please use our contact form if you want some private counselling or discussion about your situation. Anything at all we can help you with, we're happy to.