Suicide

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, my heart goes out to you - it really does. What people don't seem to understand is that sometimes life gets so damn hard and seems so impossible and you just cannot see how you can possibly carry on any longer. All too often, those considering suicide are seen as selfish attention-seekers who just want everyone to feel sorry for them but this is not the case. I want you to read this article carefully, particularly if it is you who thinks this is the only course of action left, because I promise you now - suicide is not the answer and there is another way forward.

Taking suicide seriously - how to spot the warning signs

As I have just mentioned, it is a sad fact that many people perceive those who are contemplating suicide as pathetic, weak attention seekers who just have no sense and ought to snap out of it. This perception is wrong, although I will address the issue of those who do use the issue of suicide to their advantage in order to manipulate others later. If someone expresses a wish to commit suicide then they need your attention, not your disdain. Here is a list of some, not all, the possible warning signs of a genuinely suicidal person:

• Appearing depressed or sad most of the time. Depression (particularly untreated cases) is the number one cause of suicide today.
• Expressing hopelessness.
• Withdrawing from family and friends. Any dramatic change in behaviour and also appearance is always a reason to sit up and take notice. Never pass off a sudden complete character overhaul as a "phase", especially if the person used to be extremely lively, happy and sociable.
• Sleeping too much or too little. This is a classic symptom of depression and should be addressed in its own right, even if someone isn't suicidal. Depression is an illness and requires medical intervention to prevent it from getting worse.
• Anyone saying things resembling the following statements:
  • "I can't go on any longer."
  • "I hate this life."
  • "Everyone would be better off without me."
  • "Life is not worth living."
  • "Nothing matters anymore."
  • "I don't care about anything anymore."
  • "I want to die."
• Writing notes or poems about suicide or death. These may be obvious or rather cryptic references to suicide and death and could well be kept hidden away so no one can find them. Other people may choose to post them on a forum or website - it could be pure creativity, of course, but if accompanied by other warning signs you need to pay attention just to be safe.
• Losing interest in most activities. If someone stops doing their usual things such as hobbies or sports without a reason or even just stops bothering to wash, change their clothes or eat then you need to be aware of the chance they may be suicidal.
• Writing a will - some people, especially those who are ill or elderly, may frequently express a wish to write a will or start giving away possessions prematurely.
• Facing a situation they regard as humiliating, a failure or something which makes them feel excessively guilty or shameful.
• Falling behind at work or school - no longer being willing to try or improve in any areas whereas before they would be quite interested in excelling.

Please be aware that some people show no warning signs whatsoever and may choose to keep their thoughts to themselves for whatever reasons. Also, some of the above signs may well be symptomatic of depression and/or a desire to draw attention to a situation which they feel unable to communicate about properly. Always take the time out to speak to people and ask how they are doing if they are displaying warning signs - just showing you care can make all the difference.

What would cause someone to consider suicide?

I've said it already but I'll say it again - untreated mental illness is the top cause of suicide and most people have some form of it at the time of their death. For some, they are genetically predisposed to mental illness such as depression and whilst they may not have gone through any specific negative events in their lives, they may still develop depression and possibly die by suicide. For others, a single or series of negative events and experiences could contribute to depression, not receive treatment or the right treatment for them (it can take several different treatments before you find the one which works for you) and therefore could lead to a decision to commit suicide.

It is very rare that suicide is a result of one single cause - often it is several negative experiences which push a person to the point of wanting to take their own life. The following events may be the reason why you or someone you know is considering suicide at this time:

• Bullying at work or at school
• Low self esteem
• Death of a loved one
• Abuse in any form
• Divorce, separation or the break up of a relationship
• Losing custody of children
• A serious loss such as your home, job, money or personal possessions of great sentimental value such as photographs
• A serious or terminal illness or a disability
• Intense emotional pain
• Chronic (long-term) physical pain
• A serious accident
• Loss of hope
• Being a victim of crime
• Having someone you care about being a victim of abuse/crime/assault/attacks etc
• Unresolved personal issues such as childhood abuse or a violent past event
• Unable to deal with an event or situation which you perceive as hopeless, a failure or humiliating
• Drug and alcohol abuse or an uncontrollable eating disorder
• Serious financial or legal worries
• Feeling that no one cares about you or will ever love you
• A fear of being alone

Of course, this is by no means a definitive list and there are other reasons why people consider suicide, but if any of them do ring a bell then I would really encourage you to speak to someone you can trust before it all gets too much. You have no idea just how many people out there are in the same situation as you and can help you find another way to get through it other than suicide - the thing is, once you kill yourself there's no going back. Might sound obvious but it really isn't something you can change your mind about or take back once it's done. It is utterly and totally final so I urge you to try your best to find someone to talk to. If you can, use our contact form and you can talk in complete confidence and privacy - you do not have to give your name and no personal details will be held by us or even asked for, so it really is as confidential as it can get. Sometimes all you really want to do is have a major ranting session, get angry, upset and literally spew out whatever is in your head but have no one who will listen to you - the contact form is an excellent medium and no one will be offended or judgemental about anything you have to say. Be as honest as you feel comfortable with and we are always here to listen to you and support you.

How can I help someone who is suicidal?

This depends - if you are in a situation where someone is actually just about to attempt suicide, it is very different compared to if someone you know is talking about it a lot or displaying the warning signs mentioned above. If somebody is on the brink of killing themselves, it is a frightening and shocking experience but your reactions may play a vital part in what they do next.

Firstly, you must not show signs of shock, disgust, judgement or condemnation. Be aware of your body language and facial expressions at all times and if asked to keep your distant, then do as they ask. It won't be like TV, so don't try any moves you've seen on the telly or in a film...dealing with a suicidal person requires great care, tact and delicacy and you need to avoid the temptation to be a hero, not least because you may endanger your own life or the lives of others nearby.

Be calm at all times - don't make any sudden or threatening movements and if possible, call the emergency services - better still, get someone else to do it, but be subtle about it. The likelihood is that the suicidal person will not appreciate you calling anybody for help and you must make sure this doesn't distress them further. Do not raise your voice, accuse them or call them stupid for their actions - sensitivity is a high priority and the person will already be upset enough as it is., even if they aren't showing many signs of distress. Don't ask too many questions, but if you feel the timing is right then try talking openly about suicide - perhaps ask them if they feel suicidal and if so, which method will they be using? Ask if they have what they need to carry out their attempt and also ask when they intend to do it and remain matter-of-fact throughout. This might sound nuts, but it is essential to be able to assess as best you can the current state of mind the person is in. If they have a method, the equipment and a time-frame in mind for their attempt then you need to call the emergency services immediately as they are at very high risk of actually going through with it. If they are not really sure about what they are doing and the questions confuse them somewhat, stay calm and keep talking to them. On no account must you leave the person alone until professional help arrives.

Let them know how concerned you are about them but do not patronise or try to deal with their issues there and then - there will not be a quick solution to any of their problems and to attempt to try and "fix" everything instantly can do more harm than good. Never ever say things like, "don't be so silly" or "stop being so selfish" - even if that is what is running through your head, it would be the worst mistake you could make to actually voice your opinions at this time. Listen without interrupting and respond in appropriate places with something encouraging and positive. It is important to let them talk as much or as little as they want and show that you care about what they have to say at all times - depending on their state of mind they may not make an awful lot of sense and could possibly jump from one subject to another; just listen and try to make sense of what you can so you can respond in the best way possible.

Once help arrives and if the situation has been handled successfully, try to accompany the person to hospital if they are taken there by paramedics and follow up on how they are, if appropriate. Once things have settled down a little, try asking whether they would like your help in trying to find someone they can talk to and see if they are comfortable with you making an appointment for them to see their GP and discuss any possible medication if they are depressed.

If someone has committed suicide despite your efforts please do not feel guilty or think that it is your fault. You did what you could and no one blames you. I'd also highly recommend you get some help and support for yourself as witnessing a suicide or finding out someone has committed suicide is extremely distressing and requires professional support and advice from a qualified counsellor. Do not try and be brave - it helps no one.

Who can help me if I am feeling suicidal?

Thankfully there are loads of organisations available to help you out and I would really encourage you to contact them. The worst thing you can do is keep this to yourself or only talk about it with people who are pro-suicide. There are a few forums and chat rooms out there where people can go and make each other feel worse, believe it or not, and then encourage suicidal tendencies - resist the temptation engage in conversation with people like this as they will not help you at all.

One of the best sites I have come across which goes into great detail about all aspects of suicide is an American site called Suicide.org - Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support!. Go there and be encouraged - they genuinely care for those who are thinking of suicide or for those who have experienced it in some way; the love they have for people who are hurting is incredible. Other great sources of support are:

• The Samaritans
• Befrienders Worldwide
• Survivors of Suicide

I know I've already said this, but you are always welcome to contact us in complete confidence and we're here for you no matter what. If you feel you can, please visit our Labyrinth Forum section where you can discuss anything on your mind at all in a safe and non-judgemental environment. Please speak to someone, if you can - suicide is never the answer.

A word for those who use suicide to manipulate people

Please stop now - you are hurting those around you and showing enormous disrespect for those who are genuinely struggling with suicidal feelings. If you have no intention whatsoever of committing suicide then to use it as a means to get people to notice you and to feel sorry for you is wrong and insensitive. I urge you to talk to someone about how you feel and be honest - crying wolf will mean that if there should ever come a time when you really are considering suicide people will be less likely to pay attention to your comments and hints, leaving you completely alone during the very time when you need them most.

Threatening suicide to try and stop a relationship from breaking up, to get a child to choose you over your ex partner in a custody battle or to call attention to yourself for other reasons may seem like the only way to get what you want but again I urge you to seek other means of communication and resolution to the issue. Playing with people's emotions in such a dramatic and extreme fashion is dangerous, insulting and can seriously damage relationships, mutual trust and confidence. Never ever fake a suicide attempt just to see if anyone cares and don't keep threatening to kill yourself to gain sympathy.

If you have problems you want to talk about, please contact us contact us or visit our forums where you can talk about whatever you like and you will be listened to and respected. People do care - so let them care for you rather than play with their emotions and make them worry needlessly.

Finally...

Please talk - there are many who care, even if you feel your own friends and family don't and we are always here to help you, listen to you and support you. Because I really believe in what they are doing, I'm going to give you that website again: Suicide.org - Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support! - visit them, read what advice they have and then when you are ready, contact them. They do receive a lot of emails so if you are worried you may not get through quick enough, try one of the other links above and contact them for help - but don't be put off by having to wait. It will be worth it if it saves your life - and it is worth saving, no matter what you may think.

You really do matter - suicide is not the answer and we are always here to listen to you, so please get in touch.