Underage Sex

Before we go any further, let me make one thing clear to all who are reading this:

What's the big deal?

A lot of people are asking this question and have been for a long time now. The thing is, once you hit puberty your hormones go absolutely mental and you start to appreciate the opposite sex (or same sex) a lot more. You become more aware of your body and the sensations that rush through it when you see certain images or do certain things. This is all normal and nothing to be worried or ashamed of. However, when it comes to sexual activity there are some things you really need to think about - other than the fact you may very well be breaking the law and if you are caught and charged, you could have a criminal record regardless of whether there was consent (agreement). Even if your parents or guardians say they don't mind you having sexual contact with your other half, they do not make the law and just like you can't go around drinking or driving below the legal age limit even if they don't mind, the same applies to sexual activity. The law is there for a reason, after all.

And this reason is...?

Back in 2003, the law regarding sexual activity among minors (those below the legal age limit) was changed to include all kinds of sexual activity and not just full intercourse. The reasoning behind this was to increase the protection of young people against being abused by older men and women who may try to encourage or force a sexual relationship without the young person's full consent or understanding of what's involved. Now the main reason why people get so worked up about this law is not because they want paedophiles to run amok, messing with kids and never getting caught because they haven't engaged in full intercourse with minors but because they do not see why two young people who have consented to having a sexual relationship with each other should be punished for it.

The law was also changed to try and reduce the risk of young people being exposed to sexually transmitted infections (STI's) and unwanted/teen pregnancy - something which is a big issue in the UK. The law surrounding the issue of sex is a battlefield at the moment and there are many debates on both sides which argue for and against such strict guidlelines. Be smart and keep up to date about any changes in the law so you are always informed. Some people are campaigning for the age of consent to be lowered to 14 now that many young people are having sexual relationships under 16 anyway. Others want it raised to 18 because they believe that people will be mature enough to make decisions about sexual activity and will also no longer be at risk of child abuse as they are legally recognised as adults. Either way, it's a hot topic and you won't have to go looking for long before you find someone, somewhere debating about it.

But I know all about sex - I've heard it all before and I'm careful

And that's a good thing - safe sex is always paramount in any relationship and young people are taught about sex in school from a fairly young age, depending on the area you live in. Even if this is not your first sexual encounter with someone, it doesn't make it any more legal just because you've done it before and know what you're doing. You may feel that you are ready for a sexual relationship and it's no one else's business what goes on but the implications of having sex before the legal age limit can be huge especially if your girlfriend becomes pregnant or you contract a sexually transmitted infection. Don't forget that the only method of contraception which is 100% safe is saying no to sex - not at all attractive to think about, but everything else comes with the possibility of failing and then consequences have to be dealt with.

I'm still going to have sex anyway, y'know...

Now that the legal issue has been mentioned, we may as well get on with making sure that even if you are going to enter into a sexual relationship of any kind with someone, you may as well be clued up about it. Just bear in mind that it is illegal, as mentioned before.

Firstly, are you ready? Now I don't mean condoms, going on the Pill and making sure your annoying little brother/sister won't burst into your room at a crucial moment - I'm talking about being emotionally mature enough to cope with sex. Don't get me wrong - I won't deny that the hormones are going mental and the desire to be physically close with someone is incredibly strong but this does not equate emotional maturity. Having sex can really change a relationship and not always for the better - in fact, sometimes a relationship can end because sex has made it awkward, embarrassing or your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks you are no good at it. Harsh, but it happens. There is also the issue of whether you want to have sex - this is very very important because unless you are 100% sure you feel ready, DO NOT HAVE SEX. It should be something special, not something you "have to do" - if you are not happy with the idea then you have the right to refuse it; if your boyfriend or girlfriend really care about you, they will respect this. If they don't respect it or put pressure on you then it's a pretty good indication that they aren't doing it for the right reasons either.

Friends don't help sometimes when it comes to sex either - particularly if they seem to be far more knowledgeable than you and experienced. They may brag about their sexual experiences or belittle you for being a virgin (someone who is yet to have sex). It is important you do not allow their views to become your reason to have sex - true friends will respect your decision to wait and whilst there may be some light-hearted banter at your expense, it should never get so far as to cause you real hurt and humiliation.

First-time sex, no matter how old you are, is usually pretty crap - my first time was rubbish, if I'm honest. For you it may have been fireworks, the earth moving and all that stuff - but for the majority of people, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Be honest with yourself for a minute - how may times have you watched a sex scene on telly and imagined it to be like that when you have sex, only to find that the desire to swing from chandeliers and scream like a banshee is not really how it happens? It takes a long time to cultivate a satisfying sexual relationship and sometimes the biggest let down is that the anticipation can be greater than the actual act itself. Here's an even bigger let down - most women don't even orgasm during sex so if you're expecting to be panting and screaming "give me more!" at the top of your lungs, you may just be sorely disappointed. It's not impossible, but to expect it during your first time is quite ambitious - again, the careful nurturing of a sexual relationship and being able to discuss your needs and wants with your other half is pretty much 95% of getting great sex. You may not even have ever had an orgasm before, so you don't know what to expect - but when you do have one, you'll know about it believe me. And you'll want more - so getting both of you satisfied is something you'll want to be able to discuss without embarrassment or fear of being rejected or talked about.

Common phrases used to pressure partners

My gosh some of these look familiar to me! If someone is saying one or more of the following to you whilst you decide about whether to have sex with them or not, alarm bells ought to be ringing and you might want to check their motives:

• You would if you loved me
• It's only natural
• Everyone else is doing it
• I thought you'd want to make our relationship stronger. Don't you care enough about us?
• You'll have to do it sometime so why not with me?
• I'll be gentle and it'll be really great I promise
• I'll only put it in for a second...
• I can't believe you'd let me down and hurt me like this
• My mates were right about you - you are frigid
• But you did it with so and so, why not with me?
• I understand you want to wait but I won't wait forever...
• But if we don't have sex it hurts and I could do myself damage

That last one is hilarious - but guys do say it. There's a common misconception that if a guy is sexually excited and he doesn't get to ejaculate (the action whereby semen is expelled through the penis) then he will experience agonising pain in his testicles. This is bull - there may some slight discomfort but certainly not to the extent that his "balls will explode or drop off", as I heard one guy say once. If there is pain then he should see a doctor as it could be an infection rather than lack of ejaculation.

Does sex hurt?

Yes, it can do. When you are having sex for the first time (this one is for the girls, by the way) you may be nervous, anxious, scared or just plain unprepared. Sex for girls is very invasive as the guy's penis is going inside you - it's unlike any other sensation you've had before, even if you wear tampons or have had a pelvic (internal) examination by a doctor in the past. If you have not had sex prior to this occasion, not only will nerves cause you to tense up your muscles - even if you don't realise you are doing this - but there is a thin layer of skin called a hymen which, if still intact, will be broken by the penis during sex. It won't cause agonising pain but it will twinge a bit and can cause some considerable discomfort, as well as some bleeding. This is nothing to be alarmed about but if it is hurting, take a break and try again in a few moments. The hymen can also be broken prior to sexual intercourse by engaging in certain sports or by using tampons, so there may be no blood or pain of that sort during your first time having sex, but it can still be painful to have sex the first few times anyway - especially if nerves get the better of you or you are uncomfortable in any way.

If sex is very painful or if there is a lot of bleeding, see your GP to make sure there are no underlying health reasons. Otherwise, just try to relax and make sure you are aroused fully before having full intercourse to ensure your vagina is well lubricated - foreplay (intimate touching, stroking and kissing before sex happens) and sometimes even a water-based lubricant such as KY Jelly can help ensure penetration is easier.

For some first-hand stories of first-time sex, check out this wicked site which covers oodles of information about teenagers, sex and being careful every step of the way: Avert - some people have great experiences and others aren't so good, but have a look at it and the rest of the site, if you have time - it answers a lot of questions and you'll find it an excellent source of information.

Drink, drugs and sex

Despite what people may think and tell you, the use of drinks and drugs does not always enhance a sexual experience. A lot of young people have their first sexual encounter whilst drunk or under the influence of drugs and some even find they can only be that intimate with other people if they continue to drink or take drugs.

And even if you guys reckon you are the ultimate sex machine with alcohol in your system, you might want to remember that drink is an anaesthetic - it numbs the nerve cells in the genitals and make it difficult to reach orgasm. It can also make it harder to achieve an erection in the first place, which isn't going to impress the ladies one bit, now is it?

Excessive alcohol consumption and the use of drugs can also make you less aware of what is going on around you and you may find yourself in situations you wouldn't normally get into if you were stone cold sober. Of course, it all depends on how drink and drugs affect you but if you've never had a drink or taken any drugs before, you may not be prepared for the experiences that follow.

If you are finding that you are drinking or taking drugs regularly and each time you do you end up having sex, you need to be extremely careful. Very often it is on these such occasions that protection isn't used and the risk of pregnancy and catching an STI is incredibly high. Plus you have the added factor of possibly not being able to say no due to being completely wrecked on drink and drugs; or worse you could wake up in a strange bed with no clothes and no idea who that person is next to you or what you did together.

Be aware - when it comes to drinking, always know who is getting your drinks for you and if you are in a pub or at a party and someone offers you a drink, ask for a bottle of something with the lid still on. All too often drinks can be "spiked" - this is when a substance is mixed with your drink in order to drug you and make you more agreeable to sexual advances that you otherwise would refuse. Be wise and know where your drink came from - if in doubt, don't drink it.

Leaglly speaking...

We're not going to tell you what you can and cannot do coz to be honest, it's not our place. Only you can decide if you are ready for sex and only you can know if you are informed enough about the risks, the rules and the responsibilities of underage sex. But as the disclaimer at the top of this article says, My Stopgap has to make it clear that breaking the law is not something we encourage. However, no one here is going to lecture you, tell you off or report you to the police if you come to us with a sex-related issue as we are here to support you and help you make the right choices. Just be aware of the law and the possible issues that may arise from breaking it.

If nothing else, please keep this in mind: no one has the right to force you into sexual activity of any kind without your full consent. No means no.

As ever, you are most welcome to visit our forums and if you want to talk about this subject some more in private, please feel free to contact us at any time and we'll be more than happy to chat over stuff with you.