Unplanned Pregnancy
No matter who you are and what situation you are in, an unplanned pregnancy can come as quite a shock. For some, it is a pleasant surprise - maybe because they have been told that it's unlikely they could ever conceive at all or perhaps they have been trying for a long time, given up on the whole idea and then find out a few months later that they are indeed expecting a baby. But for others, an unplanned pregnancy is frightening, life-changing and completely out-of-the-blue; more than likely it is also an unwanted event too. In either case, once you find out you are pregnant you need to make an appointment to see your GP and have the pregnancy confirmed.
I've just found out I am pregnant. What do I do?
Hate to tell you this, but no one can make this decision for you - the best thing you can do is go and speak to your GP as soon as possible and then ask them if they can direct you to someone who can talk through your options with you. If that sounds too scary then don't worry - we're going to go through your options right here, right now. So take a deep breath, focus and then read through this article very carefully because you are not alone and despite how huge this may appear to you, you do have options and it is important for you to know what those options are.
If you are a young person still living with your family I urge you to speak to your parents or guardians about this - you should not have to face an unplanned pregnancy alone. If you are worried about their reactions, see if you can have a friend with you or trusted family member you find it easier to talk to so that they can back you up and give you some moral support. It is sometimes easier to speak to people who aren't directly involved first before plucking up the courage to talk to your parents or guardians - it also might give you time to be able to talk about your options before you make any decisions.
Circumstances can make it very difficult to decide what to do about an unplanned pregnancy - often the response is "it's not the baby that's the problem, it's X, Y or Z going on at the moment". You may be unemployed, still at school, already struggling to feed your family as it is - there are lots and lots of reasons why an unplanned pregnancy is really the last thing you need to cope with right now but it is important you are informed of the choices available and take some time before deciding straight away about what you're going to do.
Keeping the baby
Depending on your circumstances, this may be harder than you think. Even if you've already had children before, when a baby is unplanned it can bring about some very strong and often conflicting emotions which can make the pregnancy itself a rather distressing time. You may be able to just crack on with it and everything goes as usual - but if you are facing a tough time anyway or you are in a situation whereby having another baby will complicate things further then you need support. If you have the support of family and friends, even if it's not all of them, then they will be an invaluable source of comfort and help at this time - you need to be able to talk to someone as well, so find someone you can trust or feel free to contact us in complete confidence here at My Stopgap.
Finances
If you are having problems financially, a baby will put an extra strain on resources so you need to plan carefully as to how you are going to afford the necessities such as baby food, nappies, clothes, prams, car seats and all the other bits and bobs a baby needs. Don't worry about having the latest designer buggy or cutest outfits from GAP - the essentials are what you need to concern yourself with right now and if need be, other people can buy you the fancy stuff as presents.
If you are already in receipt of benefits from the Government, you will need to inform them as soon as possible that you are expecting another baby so that they can start preparing the necessary documents to update and change your records. Your money will alter, so be prepared for that - but it is unlikely any changes will be made until after the baby is born. You may also be eligible to apply for certain grants and funding specific to those expecting a baby - check out Directgov for further details on what you may be entitled to as an expectant mother. If you are working, you will need to inform your employer and decide when you wish to take maternity leave. Talk it over with your boss and don't forget that they cannot legally fire you for being pregnant, so don't worry about losing your job.
Housing
If you are worried about having nowhere to live or losing your home, then speak to your local council about what housing they have to offer - be aware though that this isn't a glamorous option by any stretch of the imagination and contrary to popular belief, you don't just walk in, sign the dotted line and get a nice three bedroom semi in the decent part of town all in the same day. Council housing is in high demand in almost all areas of the country and it is very likely you will be expected to live in a hostel or somewhere similar until you are selected for housing. You local council will be able to discuss this further with you in more detail and they will also take into account other factors such as age, health, income and whether you have other family in the area or other children living with you.
If you are under 19, then you ought to speak to Connexions who will be able to advise you about housing services in your area that they can help you apply for. They will also be able to help you work out things like your education options and many other issues you may be concerned about - better still, it is all in complete confidence and they honestly do rock, so go for it.
Coping with the thought of being a mum
Yeah, it's a scary thought particularly if you didn't plan on being one any time soon, or even at all. When I became pregnant at 18 it scared the crap out of me and I had no idea what to do - I didn't even want kids and here I was expecting one. The worst thing I did was keep it all to myself - I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone and those who did know about it were so disapproving that I was afraid to even say I was frightened in case they had a go at me and told me it was all my own fault anyway.
For some people it is the fear of disappointing others around them that prevents them from speaking about their pregnancy and often we allow the high expectations of others to dictate what we do. It is completely understandable why you may feel apprehensive about telling people, but you have to - not least because some of your choices are time-dependent and you cannot wait too long to tell others of your decision. The hardest thing for you may be to confess, but even harder will be handling it all alone and coping with guilt, shame and possibly depression on top of everything else going on right now. Look after you - and the baby you are carrying - and never be afraid of talking to someone outside of your situation such as a counsellor or organisation if you cannot face the thought of talking to your family just yet.
Abortion
If this is what you want to do then I will stress the point that it is your choice, no matter how pressured you may feel by others or circumstances. It is, however, a big decision and no doctor will allow you this option without making sure you are aware of the choices available to you as an alternative to a termination and they will also most likely request that you seek counselling first. For more information on abortion including the necessary procedures required before an abortion is permitted and the methods used in abortions at different stages of pregnancy, please see our abortion article.
Adoption
Some people don't consider adoption as another option besides continuing the pregnancy or having an abortion, but it is one which can be mutually beneficial for you and your baby. It won't be an easy decision to make and throughout the process of applying to have your baby put up for adoption you will be assessed carefully to ensure that this is the right choice for you. Think carefully about this decision because once the adoption order has been granted by the court, you cannot change your mind. The first thing you need to do once you have decided to have your baby adopted is to contact an adoption agency and a social worker will come and visit you to talk through the process in detail and discuss whether you are making the right choice. After the baby is born, he or she will go and live with foster carers for 6 weeks during which time you may visit as often as you like to decide whether you still want to go ahead with the adoption process. Then the baby goes to live with the adoptive family for three months until the court order is made for the baby to become legally theirs - you have the right to change your mind at any time until this order has been made. After the baby is adopted, your legal rights end and you cannot ask for the baby back.
People who can really help
I've mentioned them before and I'll mention them again - Care Confidential will do everything in their power to help you with this situation. They have counselling centres throughout the UK and their advice is always free. They are impartial, unbiased and pro-choice which means YOU have the power to decide what to do without them telling you or trying to push you into a decision you aren't 100% comfortable with. They have a phoneline too and their website is crammed with advice, links and contact details. Please use them and make the most of what they have available to you - at their centres you can also get free pregnancy testing and speak to people who are specifically trained in dealing with unplanned pregnancies. You will not be judged and you will be able to speak to them in total confidence.
On a practical level, speak to your local council and benefits agency to ensure you are getting all you are entitled to and to help sort out any immediate needs such as housing and finances. If you are in debt and are worried, see our dealing with debt article for hints and tips on how to make your money work for you and a list of useful contacts who can help you keep your head above water financially. If you are facing this pregnancy alone and you are planning to keep the baby, see our single parenting article for ideas on how to look after you and also some organisations out there who can help you further with any questions or problems you may have.
Whatever you choose to do, please make sure you speak to somebody somewhere - it is too big a situation to keep to yourself and the last thing you need is to make yourself ill with worry and fear when there are people who can help you in one way or another. As ever, My Stopgap is here for you too - use our contact form to talk to someone in complete confidence or visit our forums to share your experience, learn from others or just find people in the same boat as you.